Destiny and Choices

the most joyful part of my life seems to be screwed up like never before. Yet i dont care, I have lost the ability to panic to be stressed but i have not learned how to be centered without it. The idea of how to be centered seems very vague. Fearlessness and carelessness, i found them to be a deadly combination. this state of mind i feel is what people call over confidence.I have become more committed to seva, I have derived satisfaction like never before, forgetting about the anything else completely and most conveniently. Like guruji said all other matters seems unimportant. Its thuch(the best word I can imagine for my expression), seems foolish to attend to.
I became
a little more clear and a lot more confused,
a little more aware and a lot more unaware,
a little more centered and a lot more unbalanced
a little more interesting and a lot more boring,
a little more enthusiastic and a little more dull,
a little more creative and a lot more idle,
a more sensitive and a lot more rude,
a somewhat happy and somewhat depressed.
so careless that the schedule of my lab exam slipped out of my memory most conveniently. So fearless that I wrote exams without preparing for it.
Now for the consequences- I have got 0 first time in my life- I don't care about it why do people give it so much importance. It just means that I'm a misfit I need to do things differently than what I am doing. I need to be more responsible.
Result of being aware- I became aware that I'm unaware most of the time. And what does that make me feel- sad, frustrated, longing for the centeredness. And surprisingly I have come to a level that I observe that when I notice these things happening I just drop them, they don't matter any more. I come to a realisation that I need to be more centered, and guess what that make me- more centered and aware. But does that make me what I want to be- still far from it. I guess it's only time that matters.
I have involved my self in activities like 'free hug seva', 'voting campaign' at the cost of the time in which i could have studied or see movies, which I usually do- time for studies- not defined in my dictionary. Which brings me to the realisation that if you dont have something in your dictionary most likely you wont understand it . If you don't define your goals, your wants, your somethings which seems to matter then its impossible to get there. Its like you think you know but you don't even know that you don't know. And will I define everything from now on- defining everything is not yet defined in my dictionary.I guess that brings me to clarity- so if have defined things and i'm clear, then why is it that its not working out. There are a lot more things that I have no clue about. The assumptions i make don't take into account these things. By making mistakes I only become aware of these things more closely. So does that mean i have to make more mistake to learn all these, i.e if you are ready to learn from mistakes.
Commitment is one thing that can clear up jargons. If you want to even learn from the mistake you have to be sure that you mistake correctly. You stay committed to something, may be things which you wont even believe. But in the end it can only make you realise the minute things, those subtle impressions that are not set in the right way.
So I put my commitment in making myself interesting by being strong natural, not getting caught in what other think of you. I attend this Yes+ course as a volunteer and I get comments like 'you look divine'(that was after advance course, not anymore- I look hideous these days) and 'you have an intense personality' which indicated what i already had in mind. But so by being dull i.e not showing of, or reacting how the crowd wants me to react or what make the crowd react, I just remained with myself which actually made me more interesting. I didn't care how or what I wanted to talk when I talked to someone. Just realised that I dont care nether do they so be silent or as guruji says just talk knowledge.
I wanted to be creative, I started writing poems, Blogging, and learning flute. I did what I loved to do. I hung out with people I like and didn't care of the exam the next day. In Narada Bhakti Sutras it is said 'never miss an opportunity to be with good company' so I prefered hanging out rather than studying. But what I missed was the definition of good company. And when I wanted to be more creative I sat thinking, since I thought thinking was an essential part creating. Now i realise implementing is also a part. Which I never cared- that make me idle.
I became more sensitive to myself which made me rude towards few things- sometimes friends, sometimes traffic, sometimes angry over myself for forgetting things. Aggression has become a part of me since i started the experiment. The experiment was 'Anger management' i.e get angry even if you don't mean to or at times when you usually don't get angry. That has taken toll of my peace of mind and I regretted it for quite a while. But I have gained a lot in the process- Like using aggression where required- not getting bogged down by rejections and handling criticism and humiliation. I can't return back to my old not confident self with the aggression i have now. I just have to accept it now.
I have been enthusiastic in seva activities and dull in room activities- studies.
The seva has brought me enormous joy and satisfaction but I have not been committed to things that make others things important. The failure to take care of these new things which I have categorized as not important Depression take over. This depression strangely has lost intensity it doesn't stay for a long time but does one thing I hate- forgetfulness of knowledge, the self which i have no idea about but sometime I feel that this is the state I want to be in forever or faith that in this path sometime I'm going to be the one I want to be-broadminded, responsible, sensitive, calm and composed and most importantly to be with a Guru. That bring me to the last realisation of this post- that we blow out of proportion these negative things rather than giving attention to the positive. So what does that make me- Happy- which i usually forget.
Please comment if you have come this far.
JGD